From what I can tell, there are two types of bloggers; there are those who plan out their thoughts before writing a post and then there are those (like me) who will sit down in front of a computer and just write. You may not know this but about 50% of the posts I write never make it to this page for you to view. Usually this happens when I write angry run-on sentences, sad memoirs, and revolutionary manifestos. I’ll go back to proofread the post and will just sigh and click the “trash” button after realizing that my angry sentences sound childish, my sad memoirs sound like a whiny emo kid, and my manifestos sound unoriginal and mostly redundant.
Ashley and I went to a house where a young family with four kids (a fifth on the way) were making some homemade hot chocolate and ice cream. We got connected to them through some mutual friends and met with them a few weeks ago for the first time at a prayer meeting they host at their place. This second meeting had us sharing stories, swapping laughs, and talking dreams. This, of course, messed up the rest of my week…
We had closed in prayer and I simply asked that God would remind us of why we were here. I wanted to be reminded of his heart for his people in the Pioneer Valley (and in general of course).
It was a pretty simple prayer but as soon as we left that night, I developed an itch in my spirit. I remembered when a saint of whom many of us deeply respect, Mother Teresa, said that her greatest desire was to “deny Jesus nothing” everyday. I told Ash that I was heartbroken because I felt like I had been following Jesus part-time. I found it irritating that I was struggling so much to find an hour a week to get some people together to pray. Seriously?
When did I get to the point where Jesus was barely making it onto my checklist? I wasn’t “denying Jesus nothing”. I was telling him to be patient, telling him to give me a new job, telling him to move, speak, and listen to me.
Then I woke up. Where’s the risk? Where’s the trust? What am I jumping into with both feet?
Moving to Northampton was a huge step in faith for Ash and I. As soon as we moved in, I hit the ground running at work and got into a bad rut when we were hit with a number of obstacles that kept us from connecting with other believers and serving the community in practical ways. I began to feel lethargic as each week passed and we missed more opportunities. Life became a sickening cycle of wake up, work, come home, eat, sleep, repeat. How horrid! What a far cry from meeting together with fellow believers to pray and to serve!
In the back of my mind were the lives of people who had lived lives of simplicity, contemplation, gutter service, and prayer. They were saints and normal people who I deeply respected and desired to imitate (not in an idolatrous way). I had dreams that were under the surface for a while that were beginning to bubble up: Unity in the church. Acts 2 community (meeting, praying, and eating together several times a week). Flying upside down (as G.K. Chesterton says) and living backwards (the life of a Jesus-follower). I was feeling, living, serving, and praying like a person who had nothing better to do than sit around and eat Doritos.
Then, as we left our friends house, it clicked. Something must change. More specifically, there are several things that must change.
- I must reclaim and submit the dreams for unity in the church, constant prayer, Acts 2 community, intimacy with Christ, and service, to Jesus- for him to grow and guide.
- I must view and treat my marriage as a mission in and of itself. Serving together is a good goal, but serving one another is even more important and it is honoring to God and is a testimony in itself.
- I must work towards discovering and living a life where I can dive into abandonment to God’s provision and guidance (physically, mentally, and spiritually).
- I must fight for my marriage, our mission, and my relationship with Christ (through voluntary submission, study, and intentional intimacy).
- I must jump into living for God again, asking for boldness, faith, and courage to do things which, to everyone else, might seem a bit odd.
Who knows, I might be writing to you in another week from the same place…but I pray not.
To all my friends, family, critics, and readers: life is too short to suppress the dreams which you have been given. If God has placed something on your heart, if you have a burning desire, then don’t wait. Ask for an unleashing. Pursue it. Seek God. Live the life you were meant to live, not the one you were told you have to.
